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  • Shari Simpson

Mila Kunis (and her Person, Carlito)


The Pug Sisters have traveled to the ends of the earth (okay, Florida) to speak to pugs and their People, but today we’re going good ol’ homegrown flat-face by interviewing one of our Pug Husbands about his profound love for Mila Kunis (pug version). Carlito was most definitely NOT a Pug Person at the beginning of his marriage, but there are a host of pug traits that utterly won him over (note: as a Pug Man, these will involve bodily functions). Sit back, relax, and explore the strange dynamic between a hard-drinkin’ man and his sweet lil’ girlie pug (Um, Carlito actually only drinks in moderation and Mila is quite full-figured, but it sounded cool).



PP: Nice to meet you, Carlito! (wink) First off, tell us what you most love about the pug breed.


Carlito: Well, the first thing I noticed and was charmed by was the anus. It sticks out, there’s no shame; pugs are not bashful, they just let those tails curl up as if to say, “Hey world, here’s my butthole.” Brazen and bold.


PP: That’s profound.


Carlito: I know.


PP: We heard a rumor that you did not grow up with pugs, or even dogs, for that matter. So, when did you realize you’d become a Pug Person?


Carlito: My beautiful wife, who is beautiful in every way and does everything beautifully—


*Note: there are no embellishments in this interview, only exact quotes


Carlito: --She really wanted a pug, and when we brought that first pug puppy home… it only took the length of the train ride from Queens with Chandy in that little carry bag, and she’s looking up at us and other people on the train are looking at her and looking at us and looking at her looking at us… It was all over. I went from being a Pug Fan to being a Pug Person. And now we’re on our third pug.


PP: Ah yes, the famous Mila Kunis.

PP: Tell us about your relationship with this movie star.


Carlito: I make sure to smother Mila Kunis with love, overwhelm her with affection, because it annoys her. So much. She gives me constant stinkeye, but I never give up. I know she adores me and what she’s really mad about is the cat. She just can’t believe that we felt we needed a cat when there was already perfection in the house.


PP: So, you’re saying Mila Kunis is not a feline lover.


Carlito: She calls the cat “Satan” and claims it’s trying to suck out our souls through our mouths while we sleep.


PP: Like that Stephen King movie, “Cat’s Eye”!


*A pause while Carlito and the interviewer laugh, then look around nervously to see if Tulip, the orange cat from hell, is listening.

PP: (shaking it off) So, obviously you’re saying Mila Kunis has a voice.


Carlito: Oh yeah, she talks all the time, thanks to Mom’s acting skills. Mila’s voice is 30% annoyed, 30% excited, 30% sweet, and 10% indifferent. And she sings, too. She and our boy pug, Schilling, used to sing all the duets from “Sweeney Todd”.


PP: You really haven’t heard anything until you’ve heard “A Little Priest” sung by pugs. Okay, Carlito, it’s time for Pug Confessions. What’s your most embarrassing story?


Carlito: Hmmm, embarrassing. I guess… comparing a pug’s farts to your own? Like, I’m thinking is hers smellier or is mine smellier and sniffing to try to compare them to each other. That’s embarrassing, right?


PP: I think you nailed it.


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