Greta (and her Person, Tara)
The Tales of Pug People scored a local interview with the fuzziest little nugget, Greta Rooney (a Pittsburgh Steelers reference for the uninitiated) and her Person, Tara. There was an abundance of pugsnuggling, and some mention of us possibly moving in with Tara so that our snuggling could continue indefinitely, and a good deal of platypus-yanking (that sounds peculiar, keep reading), but mostly there was an atmosphere of so much love, it brought a tear to our (googly) eyes.
Pug People: Tara, when did you start loving pugs?
Tara: I always loved that smashed-in-face look for dogs and in college, I became obsessed with the idea of having a pug. I talked about it so much everybody was buying me pug stuff even though I didn’t even have one yet—
Pug People: We call it preemptive pug paraphernalia.
Pug People: What was it about the breed that got you?
Tara: Just their overall look. And that they literally want nothing else in life than to be next to you. Well, and food, of course. So, that bond, that connectivity.
Pug People: Oh, yeah. We’ve been dog lovers our entire lives, but there’s nothing like a pug.
Tara: Nope. So, one day I was on my way to class and feeling bummed out with a bad headache and thought, what will make me feel better right now? A pet store with puppies, of course. I walked in and there was Lulu. And I was so not ready; I was young and partying, not home a lot, but… she ran across the room and jumped headfirst into my chest. And then ran back and did it again and again. And that was it.
Pug People: You knew you were Pug People?
Tara: Not quite. I mean, I adored Lulu, she was my best friend. But after Lu, I got Greta and she kept getting these chronic urinary tract infections, so I went to see a specialist and they told me her vagina was too big. I’m not kidding. She stayed little and her vagina grew, so she had to have a vulvaplasty. When you pay $2500 to rejuvenate your pug’s vagina, that’s when you know you’re Pug People.
Pug People: Ah, yes. The classic indicator of Pug Personhood, paying exorbitant amounts of money for bizarre medical procedures.
Tara: Pretty much have blown my life savings on them.
Pug People: Wish we had a Pug People medal to award you.
*Praise and lauding interrupted by Greta mauling her enormous yellow duckie.
Pug People: She’s going to town on that poor duck.
Tara: I have three of those. She was so obsessed and played with the first one to death, so I started searching for more online. But I couldn’t find any and I’m going crazy, like, how many dog toy ducks can there be? Turns out… it’s actually a platypus.
Pug People: Wait, what? That’s not a duck?
Pug People: But it’s yellow. Are platypuses—platypi—whatever—are they yellow?
*Tara kindly ignores us trying to make sense of the dog toy industry’s color schemes
Tara: So, I finally figure out it’s a platypus, and then I found all the replacements I needed. I have a standing order on Amazon. I briefly tried the sloth (gestures to an ignored sloth squeaky). Not into the sloth.
Pug People: Besides the wrongly-colored platypus lust, does Greta have any quirks?
Tara: She’s obsessed with her butt. She pushes her butt up in the air and backs up into you and pushes it into you. When I’m sleeping, I’ll wake up and it’s right there in my face, the butt. So, I have to push the tail down because…
Pug People: Yeah, always a good idea.
Tara: Right? The tiny, deadly farts. The little “pssss…” noise.
Pug People: Very familiar with it. Does Greta have a ‘voice’?
Tara: I know what you mean, but she doesn’t say words. She’s a gremlin. I don’t want to say the ones where they get wet and turn crazy… actually, I will say that, ‘cause that’s exactly what she sounds like. Listen to her “Rrrr, rrrr”; that’s her response to everything. “How was your day, Greta?” “Rrrr, rrrr”. “Did you dream about squirrels?” “Rrrr, rrrr”.
Pug People: We only have one more question, and let’s see if you can top the vulvaplasty. Do you have a True Pug Confession?
Tara: (sighs) Yeah. Greta and I have dinner together-- I eat very clean, very healthy—and I’ll take a bite, then hold the fork out to her and she’ll have a bite, then… yes. I’ll put that fork right back in the bowl and into my mouth. I did it in public one time and I was like, “Oh, maybe this isn’t such a good idea to do in front of other people.”
Pug People: Unless… they were Pug People.
Tara: Unless they were one of us.